Why the Audi A5 was born for the outside lane

HERE’S one to discuss next time you’re at the pub. What is the coolest car from Audi’s current range?

Last time I delved into this particular discussion, the nominations for this year’s Coolest Audi Award were the RS5, largely for being a modern-day equivalent of Gene Hunt’s Quattro, the R8 because you can pretend it’s a Lamborghini in a boring suit, and the S1 because it’s a beltingly quick hot hatch.

In fact, I’ve long maintained the only Audi even vaguelywithin sniffing distance of being cool is the A7. Not the hugely powerful, range-topping RS7 version either. Just the basic A7 in its purest form, because it’s the only big Audi which doesn’t have the baggage of being a tailgater’sfavoured set of wheels.

That’s probably why I’ve found driving the A7’s baby brother – the A5 Sportback – over the past few days such an eye-opener. If you’re in the market for a sleek, family-friendly express for between £25-35k it’s well worth a look, because it’s pleasingly proportioned, roomier than you’d expect a coupe-esque five-door to be, and built with the sort of attention to detail that’d give the scientists at CERN sleepless nights.

Yet its trump card – and one it shares with all the A3s and A4s I’ve driven over the past few years – is also why I suspect I’m forever encountering A5 drivers thundering past me on the motorway at improbable speeds. It is, put simply, a piece of cake to drive at very high speeds.

At 70mph in sixth, the 2.0 litre turbodiesel engine in the one I’d borrowed wasn’t even nudging 2000rpm – in other words, it was barely breaking into a sweat. It’s not even fast in a particularly sporty way that eggs you on to go faster; the Audi is so composed at this sort of speed it shrugs it off. 

The temptation is settle into the A5’s natural groove – the sort of three figure speeds you’ll see perfectly standard Audis doing every day on German autobahns. The reason why you see so many cars with four rings on the front doing upwards of 85mph is because doing so requires absolutely no effort whatsoever from the driver, who’s only really there to dial in the occasional steering input to stop it hitting the central reservation.

The A5 is a superbly talented bit of kit, but I prefer my executive expresses to be a bit more involving. That’ll be the Jaguar XF, then.

Most car interiors are still in the dark ages

THAT demented artist of Fast Show Fame, Johnny Nice Painter, would have had a field day with the latest hatchback I’ve driven.

My abiding memory of the Audi A1 a colleague and I had the pleasure of piloting wasn’t that we had the delicious irony of driving an A1 car along the A1 road, or that it suffered from having a particularly dim-witted automatic which forever wanted to change up. No, it was that once you’d clambered inside absolutely everything – dashboard, floors, seats, even the headling along the roof – was black. Black! Black! Black like the dark that envelopes us all!

Comically challenged painters aside, the A1’s unrelenting sea of blackness does raise a question which has longed irked me about today’s cars. Why are almost all of them various shades of black and grey?

Ingolstadt’s smallest offering is by no means the worst offender – I’ve driven countless cars, usually German hatchbacks, which offer the owner an interior which is virtually indestructible but with all the flair and colour of a prison cell in Dresden. It’s as though the VW Group’s chief designers invited Joy Division, Morrissey and LS Lowry to create a car interior which would perfectly encapsulate the steely industrial feel of Manchester on a grey Monday morning, and have – save for a few chrome flourishes in recent years – stuck with it.

Is there some unwritten rule that car interiors have to be crushingly dull, so that drivers are forced to look at the (equally grey) road instead? It’s got to stop. There are a few rare flickers of light in the car cabin world – step forward, Fiat 500 – but it seems ludicrous that you can specify pretty much any interior colour you like at B&Q and fifty shades of grey at BMW.

Surely, in today’s era of Grand Designs and trendy hotel rooms, we deserve to be able to go into a car showroom and pick out whichever pastel shades please us most? For what it’s worth, I reckon it would make us happier drivers, and a happy driver is a safe one.

I know lots of people – including one chap who enjoyed a four hour commute every day - who spend very nearly as much time in the car as they do in the house. Would you decorate your living room to look like the inside of the new Volkswagen Golf?

Nope, neither would I.

Why buy the new Audi TT when the original is so cheap?

CONTRARY to what most pub experts might tell you over a pint, the world, as a general rule of thumb, is getting better rather than worse.

It’s heartening to note, for instance, that smallpox has been eliminated, we can all now communicate instantaneously using internet-enabled smartphones, and that platform shoes, Party Seven and outdoor toilets are all but a distant memory. In fact, just about the only things I can think of that have gone backwards in the past 15 years are the speed jet airliners can cross the Atlantic (a call to bring back Concorde) and the battery life of mobile phones (a call to bring back, ahem, the Nokia 3310).

Oh, and the Audi TT. Largely because I reckon the new one has lost touch with what made the original such a hit.

The third generation of Audi’s swoopy coupé has just been unveiled at the Geneva Motor Show, and I’ve no doubt that it’s faster, more refined and safer than the two which preceded it on suburban driveways up and down the land. It’s also likely to register more prominently on my petrolhead radar if it’s any more involving to drive, but – to my mind at least – it misses the point completely because it looks so similar to the one it replaces. The new TT will, I’ve no doubt, be parked on every street by the end of the year, but you’ll no longer be granting it a cheeky second glance when you walk past.

Yet all the attention being given to the new TT means you might have missed one of the motoring world’s worst-kept secrets. The TT that’s most likely to be a classic car in a decade’s time, the wonderfully Bauhaus original version, is an undisputable bargain right now.

Peruse the classifieds and there are stacks of first generation TTs there for the taking, with the one you want – the 225bhp quattro coupe in metallic silver – starting at around two grand. 

Admittedly, you can also pick up early Mercedes SLKs, long-legged BMW Z3s and – if you try really hard – Porsche Boxsters for the same sort of money and they’ll be a lot more fun to drive, but there is something about the original TT’s shape and attention to detail which will still be turning heads in years to come.

So you can spend the thick end of £30,000 on an Audi TT which no one will bat an eyelid at, or you can have the head-turning original for a tenth of the price. Which would you go for?

Audi confirms new TT

THE first new Audi TT in almost a decade will be unveiled at next month’s Geneva Motor Show, it has been confirmed.

While Audi is remaining tight-lipped until the show about the prices and specification of the new car, a teaser sketch released by the German firm reveals elements of the car hark back to the original TT of 1998.

The new car will replace the current version of the TT, originally introduced back in 2005.

Audi S3 now available in saloon form

A HOTTED-up version of the Audi A3 will be offered as a saloon for the first time, it has been announced.

Previously, anyone looking to buy the performance-orientated S3 would have been limited to a three-door hatchback or five door estate, but the company is now offering the 300bhp stormer as a four-door saloon, with prices starting at £33,240.

The S3 saloon will go on sale in March, with an al fresco S3 Cabriolet due to follow later next year.

Audi - the tailgater's wheels of choice these days

Did you hear about the new species scientists discovered the other day? Apparently, there’s a new type of shark, which has emerged in a remote spot of sea just off Indonesia, which ‘walks’ along the ocean floor.

In the interests of science, I’d like to put it to the boffins at the Natural History Museum that I’ve found its motoring equivalent, right here in the UK. The Greater Spotted Tailgater, or Secuutus Major to give it its scientific Latin name, has existed for decades in the warm, inviting habitat of motorway outside lanes for generations, but it’s only in the past few years that a new variation of this most annoying of motoring breeds has evolved.

Specifically, the Greated Spotted Tailgaters who drive Audis, meaning the above image is now plastered across rear view mirrors right across Britain.

Not that long ago, history will recall, Audis were driven by nice people who wanted something a tiny bit tidier than the equivalent Volkswagen. My late granddad had a 100 Avant and it really was the epitome of respectable middle classness, a useful, family-friendly estate without the antique dealer connotations of its Volvo and Mercedes contemporaries. At that time, the Greater Spotted Tailgater’s wheels of choice were 3 Series and 5 Series BMWs, and you knew when you saw the Munich motors’ quad headlights flashing at you from behind that you were incurring their wrath.

Things, however, have changed, and I blame the Audi TT. Ever since the gorgeously swoopy coupe started gracing the showrooms 15 years ago, the rest of the range has basked in the glow from its chrome detailing and become a bit cooler as a result, bit by bit attracting the sort of people who used to buy BMWs. The figures speak for themselves; in the past year alone, Audi sales are up by almost 10%.

The sales rises, combined with ever sharper and more aggressive styling updates, means something that’s struck me every time I’ve every time I’ve ventured out onto a motorway’s outside lane in the past two years – almost immediately you are swamped by tailgaters in cars with four rings on their radiator grilles. Don’t get me wrong; there are still lots of nice people happily trundling to the shops and back in their Audis, in the same way it was wrong to label every BMW owner as a lane-hogging loon ten years ago.

Yet the tailgating brigade have, by and large, taken up Audis as their wheels of choice, and the range is a bit less on my motoring radar as a result. The only truly cool Audi you can buy now, I’d contend, is the A7 because it’s not a big seller. Which means Mr and Mrs Tailgater don’t tend to wind people up with them.

If I had a pound for every time an Audi-driving middle management type has sat two feet off my back bumper, I’d have roughly £13,790 by now. Which, incidentally, is the entry level price for an A1.

The motoring mysteries Life On Cars still needs to solve

THIS year is definitely the year of the anniversary. Porsche’s 911 is 50, the Corvette is 60, and even the humble Hillman Imp has knocked up its first half century.

So it’s probably passed you by that today marks four years since Life On Cars choked into cyberspace for the first time. Since then, this blog – and the sister newspaper column in The Champion – have gone on a high octane journey through a world of car shows, reviews and test drives, taking in a few broken down Minis and sunburnt afternoons along the way.

However, there are a few questions which – despite having a finger on the pulse of all matters motoring since 2009 – still haven’t been answered. Niggling issues and unsolved mysteries, such as…

Does The Audi Lane actually exist? 

The more I drive on motorways, the more I’m convinced the outer lane has – perhaps through the signing of a secret EU protocol at a summit in deepest Ingolstadt – been reserved exclusively for cars with four rings on the radiator grille. Whether you’re in an entry-level A1 or a thumping A7 V12 TDI, your 95mph entrance into The Audi Lane is politely welcomed. Daring to venture there, however, in anything other than an Audi seems to result in the image above dominating your rear view mirror…

Can I get Allegrodote into the motoring lexicon?

An Allegrodote, in case you missed the article earlier this year, is an anecdote solely covering the Austin Allegro, particularly if it’s one that isn’t true. With BL’s great hatchback hope itself celebrating its fortieth birthday, it’d be great to see whether the car which inspires more urban myths than any other could be given its own special term to mark the anniversary.

Is the Renault Clio the most sensible secondhand car ever?

It struck me earlier today that almost everyone I know seems to have an owned a second generation Renault Clio, made by the French firm between 1998 and 2006. Whether it’s the 1.5DCI diesel – of £30 a year road tax fame – or the strikingly quick Renaultsport Clio 172, they do seem to reflect frankly ridiculous value for money. Which is why, I suspect, most of my mates have got one.

Why do cheeseburgers at car shows always cost £5.50? 

This one I’ve yet to understand – a cheeseburger at a car show, whether you’re in Dorset or Cheshire, Lancashire or Lanarkshire, almost always costs £5.50, making me suspect there’s some sort of layby-based cabal somewhere determining the price. That is, of course, with the exception of the Goodwood Festival of Speed, which when I visited earlier this year marked itself out as a car show of a higher calibre. This, I think, explains the £8 you paid for a burger there.

What will the next Fiat 500 spinoff be? 

We’ve already had the 500C, the Abarth, the hideous 500L, the even more hideous 500L MPW and now the frankly unbearable 500L Tracking. Chances are that by this time next year you’ll be able to buy a 500 Roadster, a 500XXL Fire Engine, a 500 Beach Buggy and perhaps a 500 Submarine. All of which will be worth £500 in a used car auction near you in the not-too-distant future.

Can you go green-laning in an electric car? 

I was wondering this earlier today when I’d stopped laughing at the Hummer electric car a UK design firm has come up with. Land Rover came up with an electric Defender earlier this year, but I am left wondering what would happen to an electric 4X4 if, for instance, you took it wading through a river in the Cumbrian countryside. Potentially, the results could be shocking…

Why are Peugeot interiors always messy?

An old colleague of mine got so cross when I put this particular pet theory across that the column I’d been planning for that week got quietly canned, for offending owners of 307s everywhere. It does, however, leave the ongoing mystery as to why so many unloved car interiors I’ve seen are in Peugeots, from a 406 Estate practically blacked by cigarette smoke, the 407 with Seventies-esque disco lighting on account of its numerous technical warnings, and a 206 lined with old McDonalds bags and a distinct whiff of vomit, even though it was barely a year old at the time.

Do ‘GB’ plates make you motor look more modern? 

A mate of mine put this to me today and – annoyingly – he’s absolutely right, although I’m not entirely sure why. All afternoon I’ve been checking out whether cars have the telltale EU blue strip at the side of the numberplate, and determined that all the cars that do somehow look newer than otherwise identical ones which don’t. Weird, but true.

Why are all classic cars described online as ‘BRAN FIND’? 

Genuine classics which are in ‘barn find’ condition are worth a fortune – witness, for instance, the E-Type which sold at auction for £109,000 after spending most of its life hidden away in the aforementioned agricultural building. However, that doesn’t excuse clumsy eBay sellers flogging any old tat as a ‘barn find’, inadvertently mis-spelling it as ‘BRAN FIND’ in the process. In the world of crap secondhand buys, any car of any age or merit can be described as ‘BRAN FIND’ if it's spent even a short of amount of time in a garage or other building.

Will my MGB GT ever be finished? 

Speaking of which, my MGB – which actually did spend a decade of its life in a barn – has over the past three of Life On Cars’ four years kept me busy with visits to shows and appearances in the pages of Classic Car Weekly. While it’s had a small fortune spent on it there are many, many jobs it could still benefit from – least of all, a proper tune up after its latest excursion made it sound like a cement mixer with a cold. I wager, though, that it’s the automotive equivalent of painting the Forth Bridge. Maybe it’s a job that’s never meant to get finished…

Life On Cars thanks both of its readers for all their support over the past four years

Audi fans tempted by fastest TT ever

HOW much horsepower should Audi's TT coupe be allowed to handle?

The answer, Audi, reckons, is a thumping 360bhp - more than a Lotus Evora or a Porsche 911 Carrera - which British buyers will be able to check out for themselves when the latest model, the TT RS Plus arrives later this summer.

A spokesman for the German company said: "The resulting 360bhp and 465 newton metres of torque can be channelled to the quattro all-wheel-drive system through either a six-speed manual gearbox or the seven-speed S tronic twin-clutch transmission.

"With the latter installed, the TT RS Plus Coupe catapults from rest to 62mph in just 4.1 seconds to the tune of an addictively full-bodied five-cylinder growl, closely followed by the Roadster, which needs 4.2 seconds. The top speed is limited to 174mph."

However, it's also the most expensive TT to date, and you'll need a cool £48,945 to get your hands - that's nearly £4,000 more than the standard, less powerful TT RS. The RS Plus version is available to order from Audi's showrooms now.

Fire up the... Audi A1

IF you've got a hankering for history then you'll know the A1 isn't Audi's first attempt to crack the small car nut.

More than thirty years ago the engineers in Ingolstadt created a well-crafted three door hatchback to take on the likes of Renault's 5 and Fiat's 127, but when sister company Volkswagen created its own version the first generation of supermini buyers flocked to the cheaper car instead. It's a top bit of pub trivia; the very first Volkswagen Polo was a rebadged Audi.

You might be more familiar with the similarly ill-fated A2, Audi's innovative and beautifully built answer to the Mercedes A-Class, but the company are hoping it'll be third time lucky with their latest effort. Thanks to the MINI and the Fiat 500 premium small cars are all the rage, and the A1 wants a slice of the action.

The first thing you'll note is that it strays away from the deliberately retro touches of its rivals and goes for a much more modern style, looking more like a smaller A3 embellished with some neat touches like the silver roof pillars and the headlights which curve around the front corners of the car. It's a smartly-styled thing, and it's the same story when you move onto the sophisticated and well-crafted interior.

It's just a shame that the trade-off for polished looks is poor packaging, with the the rear accommodation in particular feeling dark and claustrophobic, while the boot is smaller than many of its supermini rivals and hampered by a high sill. If you're taken though with the A1's looks, build quality and badge value, these are small gripes you'll easily overlook.

But I couldn't - at least with the 1.4 TFSI Sport version I tried - forgive its ride, which is unbelievably hard. Yes, the A1 handles corners sweetly enough, but everywhere else it crashes and bangs over bumps and potholes, while the seven-speed automatic makes for jerkier progress than you might expect. While I'd hope it's a problem confined to just the particular version I tried, I can't recommend something with a ride that hard.

Besides, you can take the same basic ingredients of the A1 and successfully make them sporty in another car I actually enjoyed.

Tune in next week to find out what it is...

Video: Life On Cars visits the SMMT Test Day

Champion motoring correspondent David Simister gives his verdict on some of 2011's most important new cars at the Millbrook Proving Ground in Bedfordshire:

Full road tests of all the cars in this video will appear in the Fire Up The... section in the next few weeks.

Geneva Motorshow: The Life On Cars top 10

SWITZERLAND'S biggest motorshow isn't just about shiny new supercars, apparently, although looking at some of the reports from this year's Geneva Motorshow you'd be forgiven for thinking it was.

But between the brand new stunners from Lamborghini and Pagani were a few cars you might actually be able to buy, so the new models* strutting their stuff were a brilliant - but mixed - bag.

Here's what Life On Cars is saving up for:

1) Suzuki Swift Concept S

The closest yet to a replacement for the wonderful Swift Sport Life On Cars tested last month. Here's hoping!

2) Lamborghini Aventador


The long-awaited replacement for the Murciélago, complete with a new V12 churning out no less than 700bhp. Worth waiting a decade for.

3) Jaguar XKR-S


Jaguar celebrates the 50th anniversary of unveiling the E-Type at Geneva with a 550bhp modern equivalent. You know you want one.

4) Aston Martin Virage


Right on cue is Aston's ripposte to the XKR-S, boasting 490bhp from the familiar 6.0 litre V12 and a name not seen since the company's coupes of the early Nineties.

5) Ford B-MAX


The Blue Oval's response to the Vauxhall Meriva, with equally clever rear doors.


6) Hyundai i40


What do you mean Korea can't do smooth and stylish? This sleek Mondeo rival bets you a fiver it can.

7) Alfa Romeo 4C


Straight in the footsteps of the 8C supercar comes this mid-engined, two-seater, rear-wheel drive Alfa sports car. Think of it as an Italian Elise.

8) Audi A3 concept


Not too sure about the saloon styling for the next A3, but the 408bhp V8's got to stay.

9) Range Rover "Evoque"


Not too sure whether this is what Land Rover meant when it was launching the smallest, lightest and greenest Range Rover model ever, but I like it anyway.

10) MINI Rocketman


As a former Mini owner this was the real star of the show, because it takes BMW's reinvention of the classic small car back to basics. I'll probably get panned by my fellow Mini enthusiasts for saying it, but I like it. A lot.

*The new models don't include Bertone's stunning B99 concept, which Jaguar has now said won't make production. Shame.

Read more on the Geneva Motorshow in the new Life On Cars Magazine, out this week.

The Life On Cars Radio Show

WHILE I could have used the new MP3 dictaphone in The Champion office for something vaguely useful, I've used it to record a show about cars instead.

As part of a venture for ChampRadio, the paper's new online radio station, I offered to do a recorded version of the banter you're probably used to reading on here and in the back pages of a certain local newspaper. It's essentially a follow up to what I did with Dune FM - the last show was in June last year - but with a more of an emphasis on new cars on their way to a showroom near you.

You can check this week's episode out by clicking on the link below to see what guest Katie Massam and I think of a whole host of cars, and you can check out all the other broadcasts on the "Radio" link on the blog.

You can also get involved, if you've got an opinion about cars and don't mind having a microphone thrust in your face, by getting in touch.

Until then, enjoy...

Audi's RS badge is back!

THE badge reserved for Audi's most fearsome models is back - but this time it's on one of the smallest cars the company sells.

Following in the footsteps of the RS4 and RS6 saloons and RS5 and TT RS comes the blistering RS3, which is based on the normal Audi A3 hatchback but packs a 340bhp punch to help it take on ever more powerful rivals from the likes of Ford and BMW.

Audi says that by taking the same five-cylinder engine and four-wheel-drive system as the TT RS the new arrival makes plenty of nods to the iconic Quattro of the 1980s, and should get from nought to sixty in a shotgun 4.6 seconds.

The RS3 arrives in showrooms next spring with a £39,000 pricetag, although you can order it from next month.

No word yet on whether they're planning an RS1 though.

When Audi's A5 is just too small

AUDI is inviting coupe connoisseurs who reckon the A5 just isn't accomodating enough to try out an all-new model it announced earlier this week.

The A7 Sportback, which carries over the slinky four door coupe formula from the smaller A5 Sportback but on a much larger level, is hoping to steal sales from the Mercedes-Benz CLS when it goes on sale in the UK next year, starting at a little under £43,000.

“The sought-after Audi Sportback formula can now be enjoyed on an even grander scale in the all new A7 Sportback, which in a similar vein to its A5 namesake discreetly integrates saloon car versatility and hatchback practicality into an elegant premium coupe silhouette,” said a spokesperson for Audi UK of the new arrival.

“By reinterpreting the concept for the larger executive class, the A7 Sportback will project the Vorsprung durch Technik brand into yet another new segment when it joins the UK range.”

Audi will bring the familiar Quattro four wheel drive system along to the party when the A7 Sportback arrives in the UK, along with a choice of two petrol and two diesel engines, and a sleek bodyshell that's longer, lower and wider than the A6 saloon.

Like an A3, just smaller

STICK Audi's A3 in the wash on too hot a setting and chances are you'll end up with something like the A1 supermini, being launched in the UK this week.

The German firm's smallest offering is one of several upmarket city slickers hoping to steal some of the success from BMW's MINI, and it's hoping that it's £13k pricetag will be enough to tempt buyers away from the likes of Alfa Romeo's MiTo and Citroen's DS3.

“The Audi A1 becomes available to order with a UK specification that further emphasises the fact that its more diminutive dimensions are its only half measure,” an Audi spokesperson told The Champion.

“Priced at between £13,145 OTR and £18,280 on the road, the latest, more concentrated embodiment of Vorsprung durch Technik combines the trappings that befit a premium sector hatchback with the technological sophistication and quality of finish that mark out every Audi.”

But rather than going for the openly retro look enjoyed by the MINI and Fiat's reinvented 500, two of the new Audi's immediate rivals, the A1 goes for a much modern style and apes the look of its larger siblings, particularly the sporty A5 coupe. The firm also says that to downsize you won't have to downgrade, with a Multi Media Interface system taken from the much more expensive A8 salooon being on hand to entertain A1 owners.

For more information visit the Audi website at www.audi.co.uk or visit the Audi dealerships in Liverpool or Preston.

Stick on the Human League and set sail for the Falklands - it's 1982 all over again

IT’S brightly coloured, perfect for TV car chases, evocative of the Eighties and a great promotional exercise for Audi when it arrives later this year. You guessed it - I’m really looking forward to the next series of Ashes to Ashes.

Clever clogs have probably already worked out I’m a bit of a fan of Gene Hunt’s tyre shredding antics (after all, this column is named in its honour) and among the highlights of any couch potato year should be watching a bright red Audi Quattro going far more sideways than its four wheel drive system ought to allow it. Alex Drake might be gorgeous and Gene’s a chauvinistic genius, but the four-ringed wonder’s still the star of the show.

But now Audi themselves have got on the nostalgia train – although probably not back on the rally stages – with a Quattro revisit all of their own, called the RS5. I was going to save them the shame of comparing it with the icon that made them a household name, but when the firm itself announces it with the headline “Audi RS5 coupe debuts in Geneva on 30th anniversary of Quattro”, it’s openly inviting comparisions.

The 450bhp coupe’s a bit of a fatso compared to the spindly original, but can you honestly say you weigh less than you did during the days of Duran Duran and bad haircuts? It also isn’t going to have the Group B rallying pedigree of its predecessor, but after the rave reviews the RS4 and R8 attracted, chances are the Germans have got another great motor on their hands.

Would Gene Hunt drive one? I reckon he would if it didn’t cost £58,500, which is about the same as an entry-level 911. As much as I’d love to see the RS5 smoking its tyres in pursuit of baddies on BBC One in about twenty years, I reckon it’s still going to be a merchant banker’s toy rather than the wheels of a foulmouthed TV cop.

With Britain smarting from a nasty recession, fresh quarrels over the Falkland Islands, and even Spandau Ballet back on tour you’d be forgiven for thinking it’s 1982 all over again. I just hope Audi’s efforts prove just as exciting this time around.

The ultimate Christmas movie

A NIGHT spent watching Liam Neeson shooting his way through the Parisian underworld has just proved one of my favourite pet theories.

All good car chases follow a formula.

It’s like knowing that Nicholas Cage has starred in lots of good movies but never a truly great one, or that the best Bond was actually Timothy Dalton (but you’re not prepared to admit it). All the best car chases are in continental thrillers.

Take, er, Taken. It’s a gritty movie which sees Neeson play a quietly-spoken American who spends most of his time shooting criminals, cheesing off the Gendarmes and generally destroying Paris at the helm of an Audi A8. Just like Robert de Niro did ten years earlier in Ronin, arguably the best car chase film of all time.



Almost any film I can think with a truly brilliant car chase involves egging some executive express through the narrow streets of a continental city, preferably Paris in an Audi. I’m beginning to think A8 sales in France are almost exclusively led by film directors.

The legendary C'était un rendez-vous puts you behind the wheel of a Ferrari charging its way through – you guessed it – Paris, but the actual car doing the driving is the director’s Mercedes. It goes with the theory perfectly.



British car chases have the action but not the exotic locations, as the A59 towards Preston is hardly the prowling ground of quietly spoken assassins with names like Jean-Claude or Jacques. Cold War thriller The Fourth Protocol looked promising with several good chases, including this great sequence with St Pancras station and a Rover Vitesse, but unfortunately using a Ford Transit as the main motorised star lets it down.



Bullitt and The French Connection fly the flag for Hollywood, but it doesn’t detract from the movies themselves never quite matching up to the hype. And having a car chase as the entire movie (that’s you, Vanishing Point and the original Gone In Sixty Seconds) doesn’t make up for it.

Nope, the best car movies are still the gritty ones placed in Paris, as long as you forget Roger Moore, Renault and Grace May in A View To A Kill.

Forget It’s a Wonderful Life. Forget Miracle on 34th Street, and even forget The Great Escape.

Rent Ronin instead and bore your loved ones this Christmas with the greatest car chase movie ever made. You won’t regret it. Much.

The '80s are back, and it's terrible

I’VE been invited to a party!

Unfortunately, this year’s Champion festive bash is an ‘80s-themed-do, meaning chances are I’ll have to go in fancy dress, and the problem is most '80s characters tend not to just drive cars, but wear them like part of their outfit.

Most people boring enough to hire a car for their Christmas do usually go for a Hummer that’s lined with five miles of mini-bars and cheap lighting, but I usually try – and fail – to do things a bit more tastefully.

I tried once for months to get a Jag XJ12 (Google it) at my disposal for a party, but ended up giving up and going for a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow instead, before the hire company changed its mind. My grand arrival that night was courtesy of Merseyrail, so I’m determined to do it properly this time.

Anything too flashy is out for starters, so Knightrider, the Ferraris from Magnum P.I, Ferris Bueller’s Day Out and Miami Vice and anything Roger Moore drove are an expensive no-go area. I quite fancied Gene Hunt’s Audi Quattro but the thought of drunken thirtysomethings screaming “Fire up the Quattro!” at me is just too much.

I could go all Bodie and Doyle and handbrake-turn a Capri for the night, as I know a friend with several, but the resort’s roads are a bit slippy at this time of year. Chances are I’d spend my Christmas party in someone’s front garden, having powerslided off a wet roundabout. Just like the old days.

The best ever fancy dress costume I resorted to was Darth Vader – I had a really bad throat that night – but despite my ambitions to win something for the second time in my life I think turning up in an X-Wing Fighter might be a tad ambitious.

There is always the opposite end of the ‘80s spectrum, but that would mean dressing up as Morrissey, arriving by bicycle and spending the entire night pretending that I’m a vegetarian with a girlfriend in a coma. No thanks.

I think my only option is just to give up, take my own car into town, and pretend I’ve gone dressed as whatever 80s screen star it happens to project onto my Christmas-weary self.

That means I’ll be going as Mr Bean, then…

Are friends electric?

IN an odd move for a journalist, I'm actually thinking I might sue the entire motor industry for harassment.

Why else would almost every single carmaker bombard me with press releases about electric cars for weeks on end? I wouldn't mind normally, but until (Flash) Gordon Brown sorts out the infrastructure, vehicles that run on volts rather than V8s are about as relevant as inflatable dartboards.

I've actually got to the point where I'm bored of reading about them, and long for the day someone revives TVR or reinvents Rover as a maker of big, beefy cars. I know these cars aren't exactly PC, but at least they don't take sixteen hours to recharge.

However, the carmakers think differently, and are determined that you read up on all their upcoming electromobiles. I've done just that, so you don't have to:

Mitsubishi I Miev: Amp-happy version of its quirky supermini, but police version (pictured) not exactly a hot tip for high speed car chases.

Peugeot iOn: As above, but with Peugeot top 'n' tail treatment. Am not convinced.

Audi e-tron: Electric version of the R8 supercar presumably tailored for Bladerunner remake.

Volkswagen E-Up: Version of Up concept car presumably tailored for Yorkshire.

Chevy Volt: Actually quite-nice-looking 'leccy supermini that's crucial to GM's future.

Think City: Electric Smart-a-like which has been threatening to go on sale in Britain for ages, but still hasn't yet

And so the list goes on, but I'm still wondering why - after years of failing to get us to go electric - so many firms are determined that we will buy these cars. Admittedly, they're a lot better than they used to be, but there's no way of escaping that they're still not as good as petrol ones.

The last thing I'd want is be accused of is the heinous crime of Global Warming Denial but until you can drive 600 miles on an electric car and then fill it up at an electricity station, I wouldn't buy one.

I dread the next pro-electric press release...