Forget the emissions tests – it’s the real world that matters for Volkswagen

SOMETHING weird has been happening at office water coolers and in crowded bars across the North West. People – some of whom have no interest in cars at all – have been chatting in serious tones about diesel Volkswagens.

As boring topics go it’s up there with mortgages and washing machines – yet it seems to have relegated the Premier League, Strictly and whoever Katie Hopkins is offending this week firmly into ‘Oh, by the way’ territory. Even the tabloids are it. The Sun splashed ‘WE ARE FUMING’ across its outraged front page in response to Europe’s biggest car maker flunking the emissions entry exams.

What happens next will involve lots of American lawyers, hefty fines and some rather panicky German businessmen holding board meetings – but I wouldn’t rush to stick the Golf up for sale. Today’s derv-burners are still far cleaner and leaner than smokey old clatterers like my 17-year-old Peugeot 306 – I love its ability to eke 55 miles out of every gallon, but in emissions terms a new VW would run rings around it.

What’s far more important about the VW scandal is that it finally throws a spotlight on the testing regimes used for new cars – almost all of which are complete cobblers. It’s all very well slamming a car company for coming up with software that can get a car through emissions test, but the real problem is the test itself.

The tests used for cars sold in this country fail to take account of the 57.3 million square miles of land on this planet that isn’t inside an EU or manufacturer testing lab – the real world, where you and I and all those other pesky motorists live. None of us have the luxury of getting 76mpg and artificially low emissions in hermetically sealed, optimised conditions. We’re all getting a fraction of that in rush hour congestion on the A59, which is why I’m forever getting complaints off people who can’t match their car’s claimed MPG and why I’m not surprised the reality of VW’s diesel offerings is nowhere near what the lab testers said. It’s complete nonsense.

What’s needed is a revolution in how new cars are tested – a test that happens in the real world, where car makers can’t effectively cheat their way through and in which you and I end up looking at realistic emissions and MPG figures when weighing up whether to plump for a Polo over a Fiesta.

We’ve been doing it with independently adjudicated safety tests for ages – your new family hatch is nowhere in the showrooms these days without a full wad of Euro NCAP stars.

Now what we need is a proper, independent organisation to finally banish the bull from new car emissions and fuel economy figures. Perhaps VW’s inevitable fines could pay for it.

Volkswagen pays homage to the 1980s

A SPORTY new version of Volkswagen’s Scirocco will land in the manufacturer’s showroom’s next month.

The Scirocco GTS, might not be as quick as the range-topping Scirocco R, but shares its engine with the Golf GTI and has 18-inch windows and – in a nod to the original Scirocco GTS of 1982 – black door mirrors and the options of additional go-faster stripes.

Go to Volkswagen's website to find out more about the new Scirocco GTS.

The Volkswagen Golf GTE is a hot hatch Greenpeace can get excited about

BOFFINS in a bunker deep beneath Volkswagen’s headquarters have mooned at the laws of logic with their latest model. Somehow, they’ve managed to serve roast beef and sushi on the same plate, and in a way that’s weirdly appetising.

Translated into layman’s English, the German car giant’s latest model manages to combine what should be two diametrically opposed strands of motoring. Hot hatches are feisty, fun and powerful, and eco-friendly hybrids emphatically aren’t.

The two might be about as easy to blend as oil and water, but that hasn’t stopped Europe’s biggest car maker from having a crack anyway.

To be fair, the idea of a hybrid that’s fun to drive isn’t exactly unprecedented. Anyone who owns a Honda CR-Z already knows that it’s entirely possible to drop a Captain Planet-pleasing powerplant which runs largely on lettuce and mineral water into a car that’s eager and exciting to hoof about in.

It’s just a shame that – for all the MUGEN-branded tuned up versions knocking around – Honda never came good on the CR-Z’s sports car potential. No matter how well it handles, the range-topping GT version has just 122bhp. Perhaps it’s just perceived wisdom that you can’t make a car please the hot hatch brigade and appease Greenpeace at the same time.

Or it at least will be until VW’s new hot hatch arrives.

It’s a simple idea – forty years ago VW popularised the hot hatch with the Golf GTI, and in 2009 it managed to translate the idea into coherent diesel by introducing the torque-tastic GTD. Now it’s swapped the last letter again to create a plug-in hybrid version of Germany’s favourite pocket rocket – yes, it’s the Golf GTE!

The E, in case, you hadn’t already worked it out, stands for Electric, because this particular Golf ditches the GTI’s big engine in favour of a small one and some electric motors to develop the same sort of power. Add the two together and you’ve got the equivalent of 204bhp.What’s more, when you aren’t driving like a speed-addicted yoof you can do 31 miles on electricity alone, saving the polar bears as you glide silently along.

More importantly, the GTE proves the future is arriving quicker these days. When Mercedes introduced the airbag on the S-Class we had to wait 15 years for it to reach family hatchbacks. The GTE’s premise of a performance car aided by electricity is exactly the same as the trick the McLaren P1 and the Porsche 918 make their shtick, and yet you can get it in affordable Golf form at the end of the year.

Who said saving the planet couldn’t be fun?

Why the VW Up GT could be the perfect car for West Lancashire

GREAT news if you’re a petrolhead in Parbold. VW could be about to launch the perfect set of wheels for West Lancashire.

I worked this out the other day when I was buzzing down the country lanes the other day, in a bottom-of-the-range Volkswagen Up. The cheapest car Europe’s biggest car company makes – if you discount its cheaper but otherwise identical cousins, the Skoda Citigo and the SEAT Mii – is one I’ve just spent the best part of 2,000 miles with. It’s a flawed gem of a car because it comes with as many drawbacks as it does delights – but that’s why I’m convinced this tiny city tot is perfect if you’re darting around the outskirts of Ormskirk.

Its 1.0 litre, triple-cylinder engine is perfect, for instance, for dealing with the rash of 20mph speed limits recently imposed across much of the borough, but it’s very hard work on the motorway. When you put your foot down, the sixty horses beneath the bonnet don’t rampage to the rescue – they call a meeting, to discuss at length how best to deal with the unexpected demand for some oomph. Eventually, long after the overtaking opportunity’s gone, they reluctantly deal you some speed.

The Up’s also hampered by a tiny boot, but by far its most annoying feature is the lack of fuel range. It’s superbly good at sipping the unleaded rather than downing it like a student at a freshers party, but because it’ll only take £45’s worth you’re forever stopping to fill it up on longer trips. These however, are minor moans about a motor I’ve really grown fond of. I love the faintly Porsche-esque throb the three cylinder motor makes – at least it sounds fast – and that it offers handling, rather than grip, through the bends. It’s also cheap to buy and run, pleasing to behold and far better trimmed on the inside than its Citroen, Peugeot and Fiat rivals.

Its petite proportions mean it’s perfectly sized for the narrow lanes which cris-cross West Lancashire, the suspension’s smooth enough to iron out the bits the county council haven’t got around to mending yet, and the handling means you can tackle the many corners with confidence. In fact, all it needs is a bit more power, to deal with the climb over Parbold Hill.

Luckily, VW has realised this and is getting ready to release the Up GT, the 109bhp hot hatch version, any day now. If they sort out it out with a bigger fuel tank, it really could be the perfect car for West Lancashire’s roads.

Can’t wait to find out.